have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
