today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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