I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
