I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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