how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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