the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
