You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
