I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
