I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Bring me that man meat
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
