Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
