I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
