and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
