my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
