I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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