Christians are straight up FREAKS
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can't turn off my feet"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
