Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
