saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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