first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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