Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
