I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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