Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
