last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
