Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
