He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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