He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
only you would photoshop your dick
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
