So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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