I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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