That's intense
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
