eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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