I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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