it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
