I think im going to throw up on grandma
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
