I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
