You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
