I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
