i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
