I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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