the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
