every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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