if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
