How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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