Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
