They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
