So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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