Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
