every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
