Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
