She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
