i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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