The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
